11.15

So, last night, at 11.15pm at night, I had a major breakdown. This completely came out of nowhere. One minute I was lying there, perfectly content to go to sleep and the next I'm in tears.

Now, this has never been an unusual occurrence- it usually happens maybe once or twice a month (although not usually in the middle of the night); but in the past month, it's fairly common for me to abruptly burst into tears. At first I attributed it to a mixture of coming off holiday and Wicked high (trust me, that's normal). But now I'm getting a little worried there's more to it.

I'm not even sure I know what started it, I wasn't thinking about anything that was the cause of the tears.

But all of a sudden, I'm crying my eyes out and thinking about... well, everything. It was mostly two main issues.

The first is that I miss people. I miss my family, my friends and home. Which is ridiculous, because my parents will be out here on Tuesday for two days for my birthday. But I talked to my mum last night and it came up that my dad is not a phone person (he's really not). Mum said that dad is a phone person when he wants to be- when he calls you.
Which is the point. He doesn't call me. My mum doesn't call me. My siblings definitely do not call me.
Mum said that she doesn't call because she figures I'll call when I have something to say.

But I rarely get phone calls. Most of my communication these days seems to be through twitter. I have great friends on Facebook, mostly from uni, who I really miss but the closest we come to talking is maybe a status comment or like. And don't get me wrong, that's definitely my fault as much as theirs, but still...I miss people.

Then there's my lack of car and driving ability and I'm still waiting for them to arrange to bring my car out here (and register it). There's people here who have said once my car is out here, they'll take me driving, but I still need to get the car out here. I want to drive, I want to finish my hours, because I think once I'm able to drive, I might feel less completely isolated.

And then there's school. I'm still finishing my programs (I'm down to one though which is good). I have a pile of marking and then there's reports and all that is before lesson prep. On top of that, I have to worry about accreditation stuff, which is confusing and nerve-wracking.

I'm kind of feeling like I'm drowning at the moment.

And there's times when I'm worried that I'm failing. People keep telling me how proud they are of me, and how brave I am for what I'm doing. I don't feel brave, I feel like I'm sucking.

I miss writing. And reading. I don't have the energy or motivation to do that much lately and I miss it. But I just can't get inspired to do so. All I have the energy to do is watch DVDs or TV.