2017 Goals Continued: The Voices in My Head

I keep coming back to the question "What do I want 2017 to be?"

There's a lot of things I'm looking forward to this year.

Finally going to America, a trip that's been a dream for 10 years and a matter of timing for 5, is definitely the highlight. Getting to meet one of my dearest friends for the first time in person as a part of that trip is another.

I'm dying to finally see the new live action Beauty and the Beast movie (70 days and counting!) and the Lifetime remake of Beaches (because Idina). I'm excited for Lea Michele's second album and Delta Goodrem to release the tour DVD of the Wings of the Wild tour that was the highlight of my 2016.

I'm looking forward to going back to work and doing my job, knowing I don't have to worry about "Will I have work for next year?" a question that was always on my mind when I was on contract, even in January.

I've already mentioned that I want to make writing a goal for this year, and that kind of led to another thought today.

Yesterday I posted my first oneshot for the year, and the first thing I've posted since October 2016. It has 1 review.

And this isn't going me complaining about the number of reviews. I've noticed in the last year or 2 that people do seem to be reviewing less- hell, reading less. I know I am definitely reading less fanfiction, just because there seems to be less that grabs me and demands that I read it. More often that not, I'm just re-reading old favourites than anything new.

But the thing about FF.net is that unless people review, you have no idea who (if anyone) has read it. Yes, there's favourites and follows, but I don't look at those numbers. If you really want to, you can look at the hits your story has, but I don't really understand those numbers and its far too easy for me to work myself into a panic about why a story with 300 hits only has 8 reviews or something.

So, people are reading and reviewing less, myself included. And every time I write, I remind myself that I write for myself and not for other people, and the older I get, the less anxious I get about that review number. It genuinely doesn't matter to me in the way it did when I was 18 and first posting.

But when there's nothing, it's too easy for me to think "Is anybody reading this? Why do I bother posting them?" and all these insecurities I think I've risen above come back to haunt me.

And my God, I hate that. I hate that I let it get to me, and these thoughts pop up, because like I said, I genuinely write for myself, not for other people. Sharing these stories on the internet is just a bonus, I could quite happily keep writing and never show anyone.

I'm going to be 27 this year. I am so tired of letting things like this get to me.

When I message friends and hear nothing back, plans are discussed but nothing ever comes of it, I do the same thing. Start to think "do people really like me?"

This question has haunted me since I was 15, born of way too many times of being burned. But I know on a rational level, that I do have genuine friends who do like me. And you know, people have lives.

It's too easy for me to believe the voices in my head that ask the question, though. Who tell me I am utterly insignificant and unimportant in the world, and not communicating to anyone, or writing, or doing anything besides lying on the couch watching Netflix is a great idea.

I'm almost 27 and I still doubt half the time if my own siblings and parents really like me.

That's where I'm at and I hate it.

I'd love to make that a goal in 2017. To silence those voices.

I just don't know how to do that.