Home Alone

I am in introverted person. Always have been.

It's not that I don't like socialising, hanging out with family and friends; but it completely exhausts me.
I'm happy with my own company, and a book or movie.

I think it also has something to do with the fact that I was bullied so much at school, and hence spent a lot of time on my own. Because I didn't want anyone at school (i.e. teachers) to know what was going on- lest I be seen as a tattle tale (because we all know how well that goes down in schools); I put on the happy face of the bright and cheerful girl.

And I found if you convince others that you're fine, sometimes you can convince yourself that you're fine too.

And then it became a habit I can't break.

I'm better with some people than others at dropping it- some close friends, and my church family (and my twitter family). But it also comes from a long-stemmed belief that whatever I'm feeling, whatever I'm going through, is unimportant in the grand scheme of things- whether that be what is going on in my friend's lives or the general world.

What does it matter if I'm feeling left out, or that I don't fit anywhere; when a friend is having family issues, or there's a earthquake in Asia or something like that?

I have bad days like everyone else... when I'm having PMS or haven't slept well for a few nights, or am worried about something and I fall in to another habit of bottling everything up (again, who cares if I'm worried about whether I'll ever fall in love and get married; or if I'm doing the right thing by being a teacher in the grand scheme of things?). Eventually, the bottle explodes.

But living by myself (in a town of 312 people with no one my age, 4 hours away from home and not being able to drive- but that's another story) is a different story. It's not just that I get lonely... yes, at home I was usually always in my room but if I wanted to, there was always someone to talk to. Sometimes it's nice to hear a human voice and get a hug (I like hugs).

You know in Home Alone, how Kevin wakes up and is all ecstatic that "I made my family disappear!" and then misses them desperately? Well, call me Kevin (actually, please don't).
And I know I can't expect my family and friends to spend every weekend with me, but...

Sorry, in case you hadn't picked it up, today is a bad day. They don't usually occur during the week, because I have enough school prep and things to distract me.

But it's 6 weeks and 2 days until the end of Term 1. And it's not just that I'm ecstatic  for holidays to come because I get to go to Singapore with Kelly and see Wicked (again. I miss it); but I get to go home! Only for a few days, but still!

But right now, 6 weeks and 2 days feels like an eternity. And I don't want it to seem that I'm not enjoying the experience, because I am.
I'm loving teaching, everyone is lovely and I'm learning heaps.

Plus, it's lovely being able to write fanfiction, or have twitter conversations in any room and not have to worry about having to explain what I'm doing; or not having to worry that I don't really like whatever is planned for dinner.

But I do like people. And I miss home.